Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged Yourself

Ah, the wisdom of Metallica. (What? Did someone else say that first or something?)

I read an article while in the dentist's office today about how rude our society has become, and it made me think. Yes, technology is a big-ticket item that contributes to rude behavior, but also at the the root of most rude behavior, is judgment.

Just stand in a busy checkout line, say, at a grocery store at 6 p.m. Look around for that combination - yep, that's it. Cranky child, irritated parent. And... commence judging.

I was in line at a department store before the holidays and it was the afternoon. Before noon, my kids are golden children. They are well behaved and they listen, which is why, like today, I schedule appointments early in the morning. They are just at their best in the morning. This particular day in question, I had the nerve to shop in the afternoon.

But, I had a plan.

I thought I was so smart, avoiding the toy section. Little did I know, hiding out in the middle of boys' clothing was a huge display of toys. Toys! In the middle of clothes racks! How dare they! And not just any toys, dinosaur toys. Expensive dinosaur toys that I was not going to buy. My kids were goners.

"Dinosaurs, Mama! Dinosaurs! Look! I want the orange T-Rex!"

I used the same line I'd been using for the past six weeks whenever they saw a toy they liked. "Well, we'll have to tell Santa then. Let's go!"

My four-year-old bought it, hook, line and sinker. My three-year-old? Yeah. Not so much.

Full. Metal. Tantrum.

After a few unsuccessful attempts at asking him to put it on our list for Santa, I picked up my screaming child and proceeded to the checkout, where I was about the 45th person in line. Great. But I wasn't giving in to the tantrum. So I let him carry on and stayed in line. I tried to just stare straight ahead, but dammit, eye contact was made.

A woman in her 50s made that tsk-tsk sound at me and said, "Maybe he's over heated..." in that oh-so-judgmental voice, like nails on a chalkboard. 

Normally I just grit my teeth and keep quiet, but seeing as how I was 45th, oh, now 44th, in line and quite grumpy, I snapped.

"Nope. That's not it at all. He's not hot. He's three. And he's having a tantrum."

I heard a few women behind me chuckle in approval and the tsk-tsk woman mumbled to herself about how she thought he might be overheated and turned away in shock that I would reject her theory.

Maybe she thought she was being helpful? However I, and the women snickering behind me, all knew that in fact, she was being judgmental. Plain and simple. And I'm tired of hearing lines like these when our children are not acting perfect in public.

I saw a post on Facebook about some woman, who had a cranky child in tow and was told by another woman in a grocery checkout line that she was doing a good job, and that sentiment made her day. Just like those fake news stories that people spread around thinking this ridiculous thing actually happened, I'm gonna call it. Urban. Mommy. Legend. Things like that never really happen.

Instead, our kids act out and strangers give us that 'can't-control-your-kid?' look of disgust.

Or, are we imagining that look?

"You can never know for sure what motivates other people. But you can learn what you are accepting or judging in yourself." - Jarl Forsman

Okay, maybe I was a little hard on that woman that day. Maybe I should have just gritted my teeth, but after hearing some version of her statement for years, I wanted to set the record straight and remove the blame. I'm not a bad parent, and I did not mummify my child, therefore causing him to go bonkers. 

And you do feel judged.

But, was that her judging me? Or me judging me?

Psychologists will tell us that we judge other based on areas we feel we are lacking, or failing. Brene Brown says, "We judge in areas where we feel insecure, and we pick people who are doing worse than we are."

Perhaps I was hyper sensitive to this woman's statement that day because I thought I had outsmarted the tantrum, but in fact, I had failed. Or, maybe I was just telling the truth because I was tired of being judged, and I was doing it for all the parents out there who have ever had a tired, cranky child throw a fit in a public place. 

In fact, next time, if you see a parent struggling with a not-so-cooperative child, maybe you can offer a kind word, and leave your judgments at the counter.