Family Role Playing

When I was young and single, I didn't always have a romantic vision of my future in mind. What I didn't plan on was falling in love with a man who had been married and had a child.  Being a parental figure, and later an official stepparent, to someone else's child has been a very rocky, windy road.

Lately, I've sought help to deal with my feelings, my resentment, my hurt, my intentions and my wishes. During a recent life coaching session, as I went over some of the dynamics, my coach asked how my stepson was with his mom, and how he was with us. I explained the dual personalities that have existed from the very beginning. For instance, in the early years I remember his mother dealing with temper tantrums of gigantic proportions, while we rarely had any discipline issues. It was a juxtaposition I was so used to, it took someone who was a stranger to my situation to make me realize something else entirely when she said, "How very difficult and tiring that must be for him."

I remember conforming, at times, to peer pressure in school. Doing so would make me act differently, or ditch my friends for another set. I did this in sixth grade, when I, for a fleeting moment, thought if I changed myself to act like the popular girls, then maybe they would accept me. I even might have (gasp!) tight-rolled my jeans in order to look the part. This phase was short-lived, a total failure, and after acting like a brat and a gossip and alienating all of my true friends, I felt pretty crappy. It took a while for my friends to accept me back in to the fold, and I didn't blame them one bit. I'd been pretty horrible.

But that was school - peer pressure.  An under-confident, awkward, flailing eleven-year-old trying to find a place where none seemed to exist in that arena. At home, I was always, well, me. How terrible it must be for someone to have to have two different personas, one for each home.

So that begs the question: How can I help my stepson just be himself?

My life coach and I talk about roles in the family. Perhaps he has a different job description or role in his mother's home than he has with us. I'm not here (anymore) to judge those differences, but rather, want to understand this better so that he doesn't feel like he has to turn himself into another person, another version of himself, simply because he enters a different household.

I used to think that my husband and I were fine on our own, creating our own dynamic, because it was our household. The logical me felt that as long as our home was a safe and healthy environment, and it was, we didn't need anyone else interfering or offering opinions. Now, and especially at times when there is discord, I realize how important it is to have an open and honest dialogue. Especially now that I fear my stepson is feeling torn between his houses.

Unfortunately, we cannot control the situation we are dealt. It's taken me a few wrong turns to figure out that I must not only let go, but also accept, what I can't control and move on to work on the things I can control.

I can control my environment.

I can set boundaries.

I can create a space where my stepson will feel love.

I can encourage my stepson to be open, honest and be his own best person.

I can be support for my husband, in whatever form he needs, not whatever form I think he should have.

It's no secret that blended families are complex. This is by far the biggest challenge I have ever faced and continue to face. My goal, my vow, is to keep creating a safe space for everyone involved, no matter what is thrown at me.